#6 - Hot Lava! Living With Anxiety

Phil, Heather, Blake
when Hot Lava was big!

When my boys were little, they had a game they called “Hot Lava!” They spread every towel we owned all over the house and leapt from one to another—safety zones in the hot lava flowing through the rooms and down the hall. 

Twenty-five years later, their wonderful game became in my struggle to find consistent work. Only it’s not fun. For six years I've been leaping from towel to towel, part-time job to temporary job, unable to linger comfortably, poised for the next jump, always looking ahead while looking back. The longer I go without permanent work, the less likely it'll ever happen. Depression dominates my little game of "Hot Lava."

I’ve been writing a great deal about how God has kept me more or less solvent the last six years, providing much-needed “safety-zone” towels of summer jobs upon which to land. He’s even provided adventure along the way and moments of peace. For this I’m grateful.

But as I begin another winter scrounging for seasonal work in Alaska or the Yukon, familiar anxiety builds. Can I find work? If so, will I find housing? In both Alaska and the Yukon, affordable housing is nonexistent. The stress descends and I find myself physically and emotionally taxed. I know I can’t keep this up. The anxiety is killing me.

But unlike the boys who folded up the towels and put them away when they grew weary of the game, I have to keep playing. It's February and real work is forthcoming so I'm back to embracing seasonal employment in the Far North. 

Is it possible to keep playing Hot Lava without the worry? If I could manage it,  I might even enjoy it the ever-changing scenery.

At Christmas, my daughter gave me a devotional book by Sarah Young. She suffers chronic issues of her own. Her short daily devotionals are not take-away points gleaned from easy living with the occasional bump—but rise from a space of unrelenting stress. ah, ha! She’s found a way to jump from towel to towel without the anxiety. According to an interview she did for Christianity Today, she simply sits and listens. Jesus, she says, is calling. He wants to talk to us.

“Walk by faith, not by sight,” He says. “I am with you, watching over you. Turn your thoughts to me, don’t jump ahead. Rest in Me today. Trust Me absolutely. You can only find me in the present.”

What if I quit looking for God in the past, the hot lava of rolling toward me with pending doom? What if I stop searching for safe landing up ahead? Can I really trust Him for the future, without looking where to jump in get myself another five months of financial survival? 

What if I simply look for Him where I am today? Will I find Jesus here?

There is no end to the anxiety for "women of certain age" find themselves constantly looking for full time work paying a livable wage. Help me to relax, and just take one step at a time instead of leaping forward in panic.